My Presidential Tier List, Explained
I give you the truth
There are many tier lists out there for the upcoming 2028 Presidential primary. Many people, in crafting their lists, are lacking in vision, audacity, and hope. They cannot imagine a different world. This does not necessarily mean a better world, for conditions improve and worsen as constantly as the world turns on its axes to face the sun and off again, but a truly different world. It means to view the world as Alexander viewed the Gordian Knot, how Qin Shi Huang viewed the thousand-year warring states of China; to not see the tangible in front of you but the intangible yet possible infinite possibilities in every equal and opposite action and reaction. For we know the present world and its ills. We can make it better or worse day by day, but we can never overcome our ills, until we find it in ourselves to overcome that which makes our world ill. That alone will require a different, transcendental world, and a different type of transcendental leader. Here then, my ranking of leaders based on their level of transcendentalism.
S Tier
Charlie Kirk
Let’s start with the obvious. Charlie Kirk is dead. Charlie Kirk will rise again. This is a fundamental truism. Current advances in medical sciences already enable us to re-encode DNA using RNA splicing, clone and even regrow human tissues, and more beyond that. It is not insane to assume that within our collective lifetimes, true corporeal resurrection may become possible. In the meantime, we will have artificial intelligence, which will be able to so perfectly replicate humans that while they won’t carry the original soul (the pneuma), they will carry a simulacrum so perfect that it will have brushed up against the divine, and in-so-doing, carry a touch of that divine back to Earth.
Also, read the Bible, specifically Revelations. I have long held that the universal global resurrection is less something we need to wait for, and more something we need to actively seek and do. And so, we will do it. First, with Charlie, then with the world.
As for Charlie’s former conservative beliefs, I think that the act of dying and being restored to life will transform him in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. The risen Charlie will not fight the old battles, inflame the old passions. He will overcome them, transform them, and lead us into a new shining epoch of light and glory. Amen.
Joe Biden
There’s much to say about the return of Biden to the presidency. At the age of 87, and assuming he survives his bout of cancer, the returned President Biden will be teetering on the edge of death his whole second term. His first term, of course, felt like a fever dream of delusions, where days became weeks became months of nothing ever happening, save for a few scares (the Chinese balloon, the Russian invasion of Ukraine, Pelosi’s flight to Taiwan, October 7, and so on). The return of American politics to the age of the Biden delusion, to force people to go back to slavishly worshipping at the altar of Biden, to support the old policies, the old peoples, the old ideals, will break the American psyche irreparably. In the ashes of the aftermath, something new, better, different, will be made.
Ro Khanna
Ro Khanna doesn’t believe in such things like t-symmetry and Einsteinian relativity (at least, as the upper bounds of physics). In fact, if ever there were a person in Congress who most closely shares my own mind palace in its complex non-euclidean architecture, it would be Ro. Not that I agree with his policies, or the things he does per se; I often don’t. Rather, it’s the things he does and doesn’t do that fascinates. He goes on the Adam Friedland show. He speaks in parables and universal truths. There is a knowing twinkle in his eyes. He can be the best President we will ever have, yet, as I will show, this also comes with a risk.
A Tier
Natalie Wynn AKA Contrapoints
Do I think Natalie Wynn would be a good President? No.
Do I think she’s a good person? Also no.
Do I think becoming President will either break her or transform her into being a better person? Yes.
Do I also think giving a random transgender youtuber the awesome, godly power of President is a good idea? Yes, a thousand times yes. The act of making her President will transform not only her, but America. Assuming she survives the transformation, she will be on par with Lincoln.
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Picture this: it’s 2031. President MTG has just wrapped up a successful invasion of the Annunaki lands in under-Atlantis, bringing democracy and freedom to enslaved Agarthans there. You smile as you look up into the sky. An angel descends then, giving you a message from Up Above. Your tax bill just got lowered. All is well, but now your tummy hurts. You walk into the nearest clinic, sitting down at an open medbed. The medbed heals you of all possible ailments in less than 20 minutes. You walk out. All is indeed well. Thanks to President MTG’s medbeds for all, humanity has been rendered functionally immortal. You give thanks.
Al-Sharaa AKA Jolani
To go from infamous terrorist and enemy of America into reconstructionist liberal centrist developmentalist with Davos characteristics takes a special type of person. By all accounts, everyone loves Jolani (minus a few unfortunate Syrian minority groups; by everyone, I mean the Israeli and US security establishments). In fact, in terms of experience, there is no one with more experience on this list. Syria’s practically an American state right now, and Jolani is practically an American governor, but one with the added foreign policy expertise you never get from governors.
If America is looking for a steady hand on the till, someone to mind the global empire and restore US hegemony, we could do no better than with Jolani. The only issue is the lack of natural US citizenship, but that could be remedied with legal trickery (annex Syria, or just have Congress declare him to be a naturally born citizen with that law not appealable to the Supreme Court).
Look, if we’re thinking about the US Presidency as a job, then a promotion from a state governor to President is the most sensible thing one can suggest. The fact that he isn’t actually a state governor shouldn’t shy away from the real observable fact that for all intents and purposes, yes he is.
Pete Buttigieg (with Spice upgrade)
Pete Buttigieg sucks. He lacks vision, authority, command authority, and ruthless determination. He can never be president. HOWEVER—if he were to gain access to some sort of ‘Spice’ material, which would allow him to see the future (or to refute t-symmetry like myself and Ro do), he would be a contender to become a great President. But he must have the Spice. Buttigieg sans Spice is like an Indian meal without spice; worthless.
B Tier
Congresswoman Quirk Chungus AKA MGP
What can I say about MGP that hasn’t been said before?
She sells shitty weed. She has the affect of the archetypical Portland girl who has daddy issues. She wants to ban sippy straws that don’t bend. She’s the type of girl who invites you to see her nonbinary friend who doesn’t believe in deodorant do a poetry slam at the local poly commune which doubles illegally as a poorly-run commercial business (coffee shop that only opens in the afternoon).
In other words, she’s someone we all know, or wish we knew. President MGP will use Black girl magic to liberate Afghanistan. Her anxiety affirmations to Putin will prevent nuclear war in the 2030s. And, crucially, she will ban foods with bad textures and smells. A better world is possible, under President MGP.
Olivia Nuzzi
I believe in the news media, I love the news media. Washington Post, Times, News, et cetera, whatever: I love it all. But they’re dying. No one reads the news anymore. Here then is my humble proposal to bring back news rooms: President Nuzzi. With an insane sex scandal a week (always with an older gentleman), the gossip columns alone will revitalize the flagging news industry as they chase scoop after endless scoop, the media and American people gobbling it up.
Picture this. It’s mid-2029. President Nuzzi has been in power for 6 months. She has just apologized for having sex with Joe Biden’s elder brother Jim Biden. She seems contrite and heartbroken. Later that day, in the Rose garden, she is pictured hand-in-hand with Rupert Murdoch.
By 2033, we could restore every shuttered local newspaper with the profits of these sordid tales alone.
C Tier
Former President Obama
Let me be clear: Obama is a war criminal. But, at least the people who worked for him realize now that they helped him do war crimes. I am of course talking about the Pod Jons’ America media podcast empire. If people like Ben Rhodes and Tommy Vietor were to return to public service, under a renewed President Obama, I am confident President Obama will be better the third time around, and do far less war crimes.
This future is only possible if Trump does run for President in 2028. If Trump does not make this possible, then this is moot.
President Girl Obama AKA AOC
Can we have President Obama? No. We have (girl) Obama at home.
She might even appoint the same Obamaheads into her administration. I rank her below the OG Obama because she hasn’t lived through Obama’s mistakes. She would just do things Obama would know better not to even try, and thus, be slightly worse.
D Tier
Pete Buttigieg (without Spice upgrade)
Pete Buttigieg sucks. He lacks vision, authority, command authority, and ruthless determination. He can never be president. Worthless.
JB Pritzker
No offense to my Jewish friends but a Jewish billionaire whose close cousin was best buds with Jeffrey Epstein will not become President in 2029. If America couldn’t make Bernie Sanders President, they certainly won’t make Pritzker president. Sorry.
I do see a future where he could become President, of course. But that would entail fully embracing ‘Pritzker of the Steppes’ persona, and I just don’t see it right now.
Susan Collins (face tattoos version)
I don’t like Susan Collins. She sucks. But in a future, a reality where Susan Collins got face tattoos that said ‘Skibidi’ on both sides, with a ‘67’ beneath one of her cheeks? I’m interested, say more.
Newt/Callista Gingrich
Which one is the decaying and decrepit corpse? Who can say, truly. This presidency would quickly devolve into Weekend at Bernie’s, except they’re both doing it to each other. I’m not sure what policies the cryptkeepers would make, but I’m certain they’d be entertaining.
F Tier
Everyone Else
None of these people are going to be President. I’m confident of it. They lack the “it”, the command of not just the present, but of destiny, that every President before them has possessed but which they themselves each lack. Lets run through a few of the names, to make this point:
Stephen A. Smith: even his fans hate him.
Tim Walz: every time he goes on camera, he looks as if he just saw a ghost. Not presidential!
Kamala Harris: see 2024, the worst Presidential campaign in history.
Shapiro: he’s catching an accessory to murder charge.
Fetterman: he’s going to kill himself and/or his family.
Rahm: voters cannot vote for someone so soulless.
Newsom: see above.
Beshear: real life is not r/imaginaryelections.
Booker: failed the Rosario Dawson Test.
Lin Biao: Mao was right to shoot his plane down. We are not resurrecting his ass! He will burn in the lake of fire for ALL ETERNITY!
Monke Putler: just look at Russia. Do you want to be that?
Cuomo: I do want him to run for President, to be clear. Just to laugh at something.
Portnoy: lol.
Miller: Yeah it’s not happening. He’s TOO evil.
Erika Kirk: try saying her name. Erika Kirk. Erikakirk. Gerkagerk. Gerkagerk. Gerkgerk. Yeah, not happening.
Ro Khanna (again)
Ro Khanna doesn’t believe in such things like t-symmetry and Einsteinian relativity. He can be the best President we will ever have, or he can be the worst. No one knows how his mind works but him (same could be said of me). Will he make the best decisions? He might! But he also might make genuinely terrible decisions.
For example, speaking as someone who shares similar neuronal pathways to Ro, I developed a crippling addiction to alcohol during Covid, which I only recently overcame. While I can say I genuinely make S tier, amazing decisions that have a touch of divine inspiration, sometimes I truly make F tier decisions, terrible and awful for myself, my health, and my sanity. Yet it is through the F that I made it through to establish the S.
So too will it be with President Khanna. Not that he has a crippling addiction himself, of course. Rather, my point is that he will make the best decisions possible, and be the best President America will ever have. Yet, he will also make the worst decisions possible, damning and dooming America in the process. America, like the butterfly, will be transformed from this process. Will it blossom into something beautiful or wrinkle away to nothing? Time alone will tell, but to people who do not believe in such pathetic concepts like Ro and myself: yes, yes it will, and it won’t. And it will be glorious, and terrible.