World History, According To A Liberal
You have to read a history book, sweaty
To understand the liberal world view, it requires a certain nuanced view of history. It means seeing the world and its events not as interconnected, mutually reinforced things but as randomly interspersed happenstances that reinforce the universal moral correctness of liberalism and democracy. Everything that happened in the past reaffirms liberalism’s moral correctness, just as everything that will happen confirms its present and future moral correctness. Conversely, it also damns any other way to view the world, such as through a materialist lens, impossible, for it reduces complex humans with their complex emotions into a simple binary state of “good” (liberal) and “evil” (not liberal).
And so, with everything being on its face good or evil, historical context loses all meaning. What does it matter to the liberal what happened yesterday, what happened a century ago, ten centuries ago, if there is a morally correct action to take today? Never mind the fact that of course liberals only ever selectively read history in such a way that it always reinforces their staid priors, leading to scenarios where the worst outcomes can be championed through sheer ignorant malice.
All this is well known, well-trod ground. After all, after Israel’s escalation of the genocide in Gaza in 2023, many noted that to Israel and the Western Liberal media elite, history began on October 7, 2023; that Hamas’ actions on that day represented the first unforgivable attack in the just-started war (not genocide!) between Israel and the Palestinian people. Of course, Israel’s genocide didn’t start on October 7, 2023, just as Palestinian resistance to it did not start then.
Rather than recount that specific sordid history however (which many have already done, myself included), let’s instead take a look at the broad sweep of human history, from specifically the viewpoint of a liberal, up to the present. Why do this? Because there are some people in power right now, who view history not through a sequential or materialist viewpoint, but through this liberal fantasia. These include Senators, future Presidents, and millionaire bloggers with hundreds of thousands of readers weekly. Breaking this liberal psychosis of history will be critical if humanity is to overcome all of its present dilemmas. Put simply: if you can understand how a liberal views historical events, you can predict how a liberal will view every future historical event; a noteworthy power to possess in a world determined by probabilistic outcomes.
Some of the below events may be familiar, some unfamiliar or perhaps downright not-factual, but all told tell a combined history that reaffirms the moral correctness of the liberal reading it, and the liberal living it. On the latter note, an attempt was made to write each event as if witnessed by a contemporary liberal. You may see less than savory language to refer to racial or other minorities, for instance. That is intentional, to represent the liberal in its natural habitat.
Here then: world history, according to a liberal. This was gleaned by hearing several liberals talk about world history, either in podcasts, in person, on the phone, in books, in texts, in DMs, in replies, in chatrooms, in speeches, and more. This is not meant to represent a singular liberal but rather the ur-Liberal, the most typical New York Times-reading and Matthew Yglesias-watching person imaginable. If it seems to lean a bit on a pop-history understanding of how the world works, that too is on purpose.
The Grand Timeline of Human History*, According to Liberals
*events not mentioned are not important to World History (TM)
13 Billion Years ago - the universe was formed in the Big Bang.
4 Billion Years ago - our planet Earth was formed in a newly formed solar system.
65 Million Years ago - the dinosaurs on Earth were wiped out by an asteroid.
4 Million Years ago - the earliest recognizable ancestors to humanity begin to evolve.
300,000 Years ago - the first anatomically modern humans evolve to their current state.
10,000 Years ago - The Ice Age ends and humanity begins farming, writing, and setting up complex societies and states.
5,000 Years ago - According to Shen Yun, the Chinese civilization began at around this time.
4,000 Years ago - Ancient Egyptians (forefathers of the evil Muslim Brotherhood and thereafter Hamas) enslave Israelites and force them to build pyramids. The Ancient Egyptians are the first authoritarian totalitarians in the world, and they write the authoritarian gospel that will be used by many future world dictators, such as Napoleon and Hitler and Putin.
3,000 Years ago - Ancient Israelites liberate themselves from Ancient Egyptian slavery and are promised the ancient lands of Canaan by God for all eternity. This is a binding covenant that supersedes all other international laws and agreements, for it literally comes from God Himself.
2,500 Years ago (aka 500 BCE, before common era) - Solon of Athens, the world’s first recognized liberal democrat, creates the world’s first morally democratic constitution.
49 BCE - Julius Caesar becomes dictator of Rome, overthrowing Rome’s democracy. Many modern dictators like Putin and Hitler took note of this event, and what happened in Rome in 49 BCE could literally be happening in America right now.
4 BCE - Jesus Christ, a carpenter’s son, is born.
30 CE - Jesus Christ is executed by the Roman state.
330 CE - Constantine makes Christianity the religion of the Roman Empire.
476 CE - The Roman Empire (in the West) falls (apart), something that could literally be happening in America right now.
630 CE - Muhammad and his descendents begin to colonize the Middle East under the Islamic empire.
1066 CE - William the Conqueror conquers England. He is the last person to do so, though many (Napoleon, Hitler, and Putin) continue to try.
1100s - 1400s CE - Religious wars of conquest (crusades) happen. They are bad and do not represent our best selves. Going forward, we promise to do better and indeed do do better.
1453 CE - The Roman Empire (in the East) falls (apart), something that could literally be happening in America right now.
1619 CE - English and Dutch settlers settle in America. They are fleeing bad religious persecution, and instead create religious tolerance in the New World where all men of certain propertied pedigree may be free and equal.
1688 CE - The British Parliament conducts a Glorious Revolution, which is remarkably bloodless and institutes a liberal democratic, constitutional regime. All future revolutions will be judged based on this example by amount of blood shed and changes instituted (none is best; less is better, more is worst).
1776 CE - The formerly British colonies of North America sans Canada declare their independence from Britain, over the King’s tyranny and taxation without representation.
1783 CE - The Americans win their independence in a glorious victory against Britain.
1789 CE - The French, inspired by the American example, attempt their own revolution, which however devolves into proto-communardic mass total violence, in which countless score of people are murdered by the insane, violent masses and the brutish and foppish authoritarian leaders they elect. Meanwhile in America, George Washington ascends to his Apotheosis, becoming the first President of these United States. All is well in America as a result, with peace everlasting.
1804 CE - A bunch of proto-communard terrorists in Haiti kill every single white person in Haiti, because they hated white people for giving them their freedom. Haiti is placed under permanent quarantine as a problem territory by the international community.
1805 CE - Napoleon Bonaparte, who was like Hitler, tries to conquer Europe like Hitler.
1815 CE - Napoleon Bonaparte, who was like Hitler in trying to conquer Europe, is defeated by the British.
1834 CE - Britain abolishes slavery by paying every slaveowner the full price of their slave. This is the only proper way to free slaves; every other way is an expression of tyranny and authoritarianism.
1857 CE - Brutal evil terrorist sepoys in India launch a mutiny against the morally righteous British Empire, killing untold masses in their campaign of terror and bloodshed. Of course, the communard Karl Marx backs the bloodshed!
1859 CE - The evil communard, John Brown, launches an unprovoked attack on the sovereign state of Virginia. He is rightfully executed after a brief battle, and the state of Virginia and her people are saved from his attempt to install a radical tyrannical red soviet socialistic bloody pro-violence terror state.
1865 CE - Abraham Lincoln frees the slaves, reuniting the United States after a bitter election in 1860. He is assassinated by an authoritarian totalitarian who hated freedom. Unfortunately, Lincoln did not pay reparations to white slaveholders, revealing somewhat of a tankie authoritarian nature present in Lincoln before his untimely death.
1870-1900s - Apache and related terrorist groups wage a genocidal campaign against peaceful American settlers in the American West. American patriots like General Custer are shot dead in the street as US forces struggle against the rampage. Eventually, the vicious barbarian tribes are brought to heel, but not before many innocent men, women, and children, are brutalized by the savages.
1898 CE - Spain bombs the USS Maine, dragging the US into the Spanish-American War. The United States wins, and brings democracy to Cuba, the Philippines, Puerto Rico, Guam, and American Samoa, alongside other small island chains.
1900s CE - The United States adopts progressivism, an evolution of liberalism, which leads them to institute child labor reform laws, meatpacking reform laws, trust-busting reform laws, and so on, being guided by their supreme moral clarity in such matters. America does this because America is the greatest country on Earth, with a clear moral mission to make the world like America, as free and equal and happy as America is; to spread the joy of democracy is the only ambition in her boundless bosom.
1914 CE - Germany declares the first World War against the World, leading a Central Alliance of Authoritarian Powers (Germany, Austria-Hungary, and the Ottoman Turkomen Moslems) against the world’s democracies (Russia, France, the UK, America, China, and Japan).
1917 CE - Communards led by dictator and full-time authoritarian totalitarian Vladimir Lenin murder the Tsar of Russia and tens of thousands of innocent people as they seize power in Russia. Over the next five years, millions will starve to death or be executed by Red (because they love spilling blood) militias.
1918 CE - The United States practically wins World War 1 single-handedly. In the aftermath however, Senate isolationists prevent a liberal victory from being enshrined by killing the League of Nations in the Senate.
1929 CE - The Great Depression happens and is worsened by a lack of global free trade.
1932 CE - The communard Soviet dictator Josef Stalin kills 40 million Ukrainians for no reason other than he hates them.
1933 CE - Inspired by communard Soviet dictator Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler becomes dictator of Germany.
1939 CE - The communard Soviet dictator Josef Stalin signs an unholy alliance with Adolf Hitler’s Germany, who was much like Napoleonic France in its evilness. Adolf Hitler and Stalin then carve Poland up in an illegal invasion.
1941 CE - Adolf Hitler betrays communard Soviet dictator Josef Stalin, who was so busy killing his own people that he didn’t realize it. The Soviets, being stupid and backwards and incapable of anything other than mass starvation or self-genocide, quickly fall under the might of the mighty German panzer armies, which blitz towards Moscow.
1942 CE - Adolf Hitler is inspired to do the Holocaust by so-called Palestinians (in truth, Arabs and Jordanians masquerading as so-called Indigenous peoples on the land; they are the real colonizers).
1945 CE - The United States practically wins World War 2 single-handedly, beating the Authoritarian Axis of Germany, Italy, and Japan. In the aftermath, we create the glorious and democratic NATO alliance, to usher in an epoch of genuine world peace. The Soviet communards greedily however refuse overtures of peace with NATO and instead choose to embark upon the Hitlerian/Napoleonic dream of world conquest. The United States, reluctantly, begins to lead an alliance of nation-states who are pro-self-determination.
1948 CE - Israel is founded. Jewish people are safe for the first time in history. In the land of milk of honey, they made the desert bloom, and defeat a dumb mass horde of antisemitic and genocidal Arabs.
1949 CE - The brutal communard Soviet dictator Josef Stalin places Eastern Europe under a great Iron Curtain where there can be no liberty or justice for millions of people. Every day is torture for them and existence is a dreary reality of torture, pain, and more torture, endless like the black sun under which they live. In China, the communard Mao Zedong takes power, ending 5,000 years of Chinese civilization and killing 100 million Chinese people for no reason (other than communists love blood and killing because their False Messiah Karl Marx was nothing more than a sadistic psychopath at the end of the day) over the next couple of decades.
1950 CE - The evil communards launch a brutal, violent, pro-authoritarian unprovoked attack on the sovereign state of South Korea. The West rallies to the South’s defense.
1953 CE - South Korea is saved from Soviet domination and South Korean democracy is made fact.
1956 CE - The evil global communards launch a sudden and unprovoked attack on the sovereign state of South Vietnam. The West rallies to Vietnam’s defense.
1959 CE - In Cuba, the communard Fidel Castro takes power, killing or causing to flee millions of Cubans.
1963 CE - President Kennedy is shot by a Soviet assassin, in an attempt to end American liberalism and usher in a Soviet Red dictatorship on red, white, and blue soil.
1972 CE - Allied with authoritarian Maoist China, Richard Nixon attempts to do his own authoritarianism at home via Watergate.
1975 CE - Millions of South Vietnamese come home to America.
1984 CE - Many agree it is morning in America, again. However, a dark cloud has descended over Israel, where US critiques against Israeli security operations in Lebanon are a sharpened barb that hits at our special relationship again and again. Brave and morally correct US politicians like Bill Clinton and Joe Biden begin speaking out against America’s moral hypocrisy by not standing with Israel during their darkest hours (at least, before October 7).
1985 CE - Jeffrey Epstein begins working with Russia to subvert American liberal democracy and the NATO alliance.
1989 CE - Thanks to liberalism, truth, justice, and the American way of life, the Soviet Union collapses, ushering in peace, freedom, democracy, and free markets for the millions of the unwashed masses of Eastern Europe. In China, the formerly Maoist, now Dengist CCP kills untold numbers, perhaps millions, in Tiananmen Square. This is ultimately okay, because free markets always determine free peoples.
1991 CE - The Soviet flag is lowered over the Kremlin. History ends. Russia is now led by a liberal social democrat committed to truth, justice, and the American way.
1992 CE - Bill Clinton is elected President. He was perhaps the greatest president of all time. Also he never befriended the Russian asset Jeffrey Epstein (as the Russian disinformation campaign wants you to believe) and instead worked with our Israeli security partners to undo Russia’s influence via Epstein. This is fact.
2000 CE - Vladimir Putin literally comes out of nowhere and becomes President of Russia. He is much like Hitler, much like Napoleon, and shares in their evilness. At the same time, Yasser Arafat, the Arab’s Hitler if ever they had one, refused Israeli demands to annex much of Judea and Samaria, traditionally Israeli territory, and part of the land given to them in the 3000 year old Covenant with God (which the Arabs of course lack). This blatant refusal to go along with peaceful negotiations led to escalating violence, including Arafat’s own, shall we say, timely demise later in the 2000s.
2001 CE - Al Qaeda suddenly and deliberately attacks the Twin Towers and the Pentagon, killing thousands of Americans, starting the GWOT. To save Afghani women, the United States liberates Afghanistan.
2003 CE - To save the Kurdish population from another genocide, the United States liberates Iraq from the tyrannical oppression of Saddam Hussein.
2005 CE - Hamas, like Russia did with America’s 2016 and 2024 elections, steals the election in Gaza. They begin to massacre their own people in a campaign of ethnic cleansing. Israel begins a humanitarian operation to throw Hamas out of power by restricting food and other goods from being delivered onto the strip. However, Israeli settlers are forced to pull out of Gaza by US pressure, revealing that even post Clinton, anti-semitic tendencies ran high during the Bush admin.
2007 CE - Former Vice President Al Gore warns the world about climate change with a world-changing movie. However, the evil Chinese CCP refuses to cut emissions and instead drills for more oil and gas, dooming the world to more climate change.
2008 CE - Barack Obama is elected President. America overcomes racism. He was perhaps the greatest president of all time, giving every American affordable healthcare.
2011 CE - Barack Obama liberates Libya from the tyranny of Gaddafi and executes a tactical operation against UBL who was leader of AQ in AFPAK.
2013 CE - The Muslim Brotherhood, working with an axis of authoritarian evil including Hamas, Hezbollah, Russia, Iran, North Korea, and China, seizes control of Egypt in an attempt to re-enslave the Israelites. The United States, working with Egypt’s military, liberates Egypt and restores Egyptian democracy.
2015 CE - In China in 1989, the Dengist CCP killed untold numbers, perhaps millions, in Tiananmen Square. We now recognize that was ultimately NOT okay, because free markets DON’T always determine free peoples. Our bad!
2016 CE - Working with Putin, Donald Trump steals the 2016 election.
2017 CE - The liar, the traitor, the whore, the cur, the dog, the sick, the fetid, the depraved, the beguiled, the treacherous, etc. Robert Mueller is appointed to investigate Donald Trump. He FAILS and LIES to the American PEOPLE. I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HOPE HE DIES PAINFULLY, ALONE AND AFRAID AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
2019 CE - The Chinese CCP kill a billion people by unleashing Covid-19 on the world.
2020 CE - Truth, justice, and the American way defeat the Putinist-Russian alliance of Donald Trump and Putin, despite pro-communard idiots demanding we defund such beloved institutions as ICE and the police. Joe Biden becomes the best President of all time since FDR.
2021 CE - President Biden passes a historic bipartisan infrastructure deal. It is perhaps the greatest piece of legislation since the Affordable Care Act. He also correctly withdraws from Afghanistan and is blamed for it because of Russian disinformation making people believe that Biden is too old. He is not too old. Stop saying that. Every video in which he appears too old is simply Russian AI-disinformation propaganda. You’re literally doing Putin’s work for him if you believe Biden is an old man! Stop it! Stop being stupid!
2022 CE - Putin invades Ukraine in an attempt to do Russiagate but for the entire country of Ukraine. It fails because Joe Biden is the best President ever. He single-handedly saves Ukraine from a bad peace deal, and focuses America on a noble humanitarian goal: killing as many Russians as humanly possible on the battlefield.
2023 CE - Genocide in Israel. Hamas launches a brutal, sudden, unprovoked attack on Israel. Hundreds of thousands of Israelis die or flee (temporarily). Joe Biden saves the state of Israel from destruction single-handedly. Pro-Hamas terrorists seize American college campuses. President Biden directs ICE to disrupt these Hamas terror networks.
2024 CE - Joe Biden, the supposed savior of Israel, stabs it in the back by lightly critiquing it. Effectively becoming President Hamas and anti-semite of the year, the Democratic Party ousts him as the nominee. This isn’t enough though, and the Democratic Party aligns with open borders, defund ICE, trans-all-the-genders policies, which is the only other reason they lose the 2024 election. That, and Putin stole it.
2025 CE - Abundancefest hosts Welcomepac and vice versa. At Welcomefest, the Hello How Are You Party and the Happy Birthday! Party are brought forward as optimistic showcases for how Democrats can apply the lessons of 2024 in 2026. Donald Trump becomes President again, but all the bad things he does pales in comparison to the hypothetical things a random Twitter Left-Communard would do to me if ever they were given supreme power, and given that we all know that the real threat to American democracy only ever comes from the Left, I only focus my hatred of Leftists. In fact, I mourn Charlie Kirk’s death, every damn day. He was a better person in his single pinky toe than every single pro-communard leftist combined ever could hope to be.
2026 CE - The United States, working with the Venezuelan government, liberates the Venezuelan government from Nicolas Maduro, an evil communard who has been killing tens of millions of Venezuelans every year.
What happens next?
By now, you may have gleaned some basic truths from this timeline. Given those truths, we can imagine what the future will hold in store for world history, from a liberal’s perspective:
Every US-led military intervention is morally justified for it will save some person, or group of persons lives, or install some morally superior system of government and economics (like ours, which is the most moral and superior, second only to Israel). Collateral damage is expected and accepted, for the ends justify every mean.
All of our enemies are evil and stupid, and hate us because they are both evil and stupid. They invariably kill their own people for no reason, to the tunes of thousands to millions if not billions. They are all a paper tiger that we can defeat blind and with both hands tied behind our back, and the only reason we don’t wipe them off the face of the Earth is because we are so nice, so moral, so just.
Every time the police or some state institution does something terrible like shoot a civilian, the political instinct should be to hug that institution. Hug it tight like a misbehaving child—hush hush now, Mama’s here, it’ll be alright… shh, shh… I know, I know. Empathy solves all problems.
America will literally win every war it ever enters, at least from the perspective of the days before the shooting starts.
Russia is uniquely evil and its people are even more evil, second only to Arabs who refuse to accept Israel’s moral right to exist. Russia must be countered at every turn.
China’s CCP is an authoritarian totalitarian state hellbent on world domination. They killed a billion people with Covid-19. They will kill ten billion more to institute WORLD COMMUNISM, and from there, they will make the world’s oceans RED with the blood of Americans and everyone else who loves peace, truth, justice, and democracy.
Donald Trump is Putin’s lackey. Everything he does is at the behest of Vladimir Putin.
The world-bestriding empire of America will never end; the sun will never set, and damnation to those who think otherwise!